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5 Things con't
This took a little longer than I anticipated. Unbeta'd.
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poisontaster.
Five Times Elizabeth Weir Was a Magnificent Bitch
1. When Elizabeth was seventeen she found her boyfriend Mark making out with Hillary from the track team. "Oh," she thought to herself. She should have known. He didn't know she saw. Not until the next day, when she walked up to his lunch table, ever so politely cleared her throat and said, "Mark. I'm dumping you." His friends were shocked into silence, trying to stifle nervous laughter. His mouth worked to come up with a response. She walked away before he thought of one.
2. She ended up the head of her women's living group—a small converted Victorian household with sixteen rooms and almost thirty residents. It was hard work keeping the place livable and affordable. She organized fundraisers and applied for funding through the university. She fought with the administration over bylaws that stated, as her house was not a school sanctioned sorority she did not qualify for certain amenities. She wasn't above a little bit of blackmail, if it were for a good cause. No one quite figured out how she got the game room furnished with new couches free of charge.
3. Years later, she'd become something of a diplomatic relations expert, smoothing over deals for the president on so many occasions accusations of favoritism began to fly. She was good, though. Damn good. Of course, certain country leaders would always see her as nothing more than a pretty face. Tiny men with large egos, quick to think the could intimidate this bird boned girl perched so primly in her chair, hands clasped. She fought with sure logic as her debate team teacher had taught her back in high school. When that didn't work, she pulled them aside and reminded them, in so many words, that her country's nukes were bigger, longer, and better than theirs ever would be. Sometimes, simplicity worked best.
4. Atlantis was something of a dream. A place where she could be a respected leader, not have her rule questioned at every turn, not have to fight for every little piece of consideration she received. Her own private utopia. Then war came, and men in uniforms waltzed into her house and told here to go back to her smelling salts. She took steps to ensure that such an incident would not be repeated. It was easy, she thought, for Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard to assume his promotion was a poorly deserved favor. He saw Elizabeth, the idealist, promoting John, the fuck-up. He did not think of what would have happened to the expedition if had Elizabeth been forced to work with men like Everett, fight with men like Everett indefinitely. He would never suspect the grim relief she felt when Everett died and John lived.
5. She's been yelling at Rodney for half an hour when she finally sends him away. To his quarters, she thinks. To his room, to think about what he's done. Five sixths of a solar system. How could he have lost that much perspective? But then, she supposes, she's done worse than he. Perhaps her intentions were better, but she's made decisions that resulted in more deaths. She can't remember the last time she received a chewing out like the one she gave Rodney. She must have been a little girl at the time. She's her own boss now. She wonders if she's lost perspective, if perhaps she's been to harsh. She taps her fingers to her lips and ponders.
...nah. Rodney had it coming.
Five Times John Sheppard Was Crazy (and everyone just thought it was cute)
1. In fifth grade, John got really into Jefferson Airplane for all of six weeks. He listened to it obsessively, until finally his dad yelled at him to either turn that damn music the hell off or go to bed dinner. John very calmly and quietly stopped the record player, then went back to his room to play with his model airplanes. The next morning John's dad found the charred remains of one of his wife's bras in a soup pot on the stove.
2. A few days after the chair incident in Antarctica, Dr. McKay blew into John's quarters demanding that he come to the labs to help them with some Ancient devices. When John gave no sign of responding, he invited himself in, looking first at the sparsely furnished walls, then the hospital corners on the bed, then the copy of war and piece, the Johnny Cash poster, the skateboard lying half under the bed. "You're just a complete sociopath, aren't you," he blurted, doing his typical McKay best to get on John's good side.
"Killed a man in Reno just to watch him die," John replied, then reached into his top dresser drawer, pulled out a wicked looking switchblade, and started cleaning his nails with it in the hopes that it would scare the guy out of his room once and for all. McKay, inexplicably took two steps further in saying, "Hey, was that a power bar I saw in there?" and began quizzing John about the flavor and sell by date, conveniently forgetting to ask whether or not he could have it in the first pace.
John opened his mouth to say something, closed it again, put the knife back in his dresser and tossed the powerbar across the room, watching with some amusement as McKay just barely managed to catch it. McKay smiled back at him like they were sharing some kind of joke, wolfed down the bar and (still chewing) started to talk up a storm, waving his hands about. John started to wonder if he should offer the guy a chair, then remembered belatedly that he'd been trying to get rid of him. McKay didn't ask for one, anyway.
"So, do you always greet people with knives?" Mckay asked, sans segue, midway through a diatribe regarding some guy with a ponytail who was apparently very bad at math.
"Only the ones I really like," John said.
McKay got this bizarre look on his face, like he wanted to pat John condescendingly on the head, but was afraid he'd get his throat slit if he tried.
"Right," McKay said. Well, I really ought to return to my lab." He paused at the entryway, holding the door ajar with one hand. "Coming?"
John dragged a hand down his face. "Yeah. In a minute."
3. The first mission after Duranda, John and his team found themselves on yet another uninhabited planet with a long abandoned ancient outpost and no ZPM to be found. They'd just finished setting up their tents. John was sitting as far away from Rodney as possible while still being in front of the campfire. Ronon started roasting some kind of bird thing he'd managed to kill earlier. John, who typically brought some kind of snack with him on missions, pulled a chocolate pudding cup out of his pack. He then materialized a lemon out of thin air, cut out a slice, and squeezed it into the desert, stirring in each drop of tangy juice with a cafeteria spork and smiling at Rodney the entire time.
4. On M3X-554, John and Rodney both found themselves thrown into a holding cell with a buxom brunette guarding the door. John got the bright idea to try and flirt his way out, unbuttoning his shirt and sauntering up to the cell bars, hands sliding suggestively down his thighs. The guard stunned John before he got within arm's reach.
An hour later, John woke to Rodney peering down at him worriedly, one hand patting gently at his cheek. "Plan A didn't work out so well, I guess," John murmured up at him.
"Cute, Sheppard. Real cute."
5. The sixteenth time John volunteered to off himself in order to save the city, Rodney reached across the conference room table, grabbed John's hand and turned it palm-up. Ignoring Elizabeth's raised eyebrows, he then pulled up the edge of John's wristband and spent a good five seconds inspecting the skin underneath. "Just making sure you weren't cutting to dull the pain," he said, dropping John's arm back to the table with a thump. "Now how about you concentrate on thinking non-suicidal thoughts while I come up with a plan, hm?"
John didn't speak to him for a while, afterwards.
Five Times Rodney Stole Something for John
1. John nearly died of a gunshot would to the stomach on the 1920's throwback planet. He was in critical condition for three days in the infirmary. Rodney didn't visit much, busying himself with important lab work. Sitting in his quarters and panicking quietly when no one was around to see. He nearly passed out with relief when Beckett told him everything was going to be fine.
Four days later, John was once again ready for solid foods. Rodney liberated four jello and pudding packets from the mess of varying flavors. He dumped them by John's bedside when John was sleeping.
They didn't talk about it.
2. Rodney was jailed on the Spanish Inquisition planet for speaking out of turn. Surprise. The public at large was for the most part uneducated and deeply religious. A small pocket of rich landholders, however, had access to Ancient technology and few weapons of their own making that were surprisingly cutting edge. They foolishly neglected to submit Rodney to a strip search.
It was four days before John broke him out. Plenty of time for Rodney to get well and truly terrified. Plenty of time for him to hack into their systems via his now modified, Ancient tech compatible PDA. He figured out how to disable the shield on his cell first, of course. Fat lot of good it did with the three armed guards standing just outside his door.
As an afterthought, he went ahead and downloaded a very nice array of weapons schematics. John was going to deserve a pretty big thankyou, he figured, when all this was over.
3. He shared some of the coffee he stole from Zelenka with John. That counts, right?
4. On M3X-872 a voluptuous red haired priestess slipped a pair of panties into John's pack . A gesture of goodwill (quote, unquote). Rodney slipped them back out when John wasn't looking and threw them in the river on the way back to the gate. Truly, it was for the Colonel's own good.
5. They were trapped in an enclosed space with some sort of high tech explosive encoded in wraith that Rodney, of course, had to disarm. John was yelling at him to work faster, think harder, yelling nearly hard enough to spit. The usual then, Rodney thought. He had an idea. It might work if he could just, if Sheppard could just sit still for five seconds with his mouth shut. But of course John had to do something to make Rodney stress out just a little bit more, till he either popped a blood vessel or saved them both in a flood of inexpicable genius, or possibly both.
"One moment, Colonel."
John leaned in, voice gone soft and dangerous, breath too warm on the back of his neck. "We don't have a moment, Rodney, so if you could just—"
God, shut up, shut up, shut up.
It was easy, then, to lean over and steal a kiss. He pressed in hard and open mouthed with a fast, wet slip of tongue. John's mouth was oddly soft under his mouth. Nice. Very, very nice. John went dumb, like flipping a switch. Yes, perfect, just like he'd planned it. Twenty seconds of solid silence—all he needed to think, think, think of a solution. His hands flew fast and frantic over buttons. The device made a stuttering noise and then went silent.
Rodney let out one breath. Two.
"Hey, we're not dead."
John licked his lips and said nothing.
Five Times Teyla Was Brilliant and Got Ignored
1. One of the first trade trade arrangements Teyla made for her people was with the Genii. She negotiated an agreement beneficial to every party involved. She adapted their system of measure to her own produce. She sat quietly while Kolya turned to her man Halling and asked him to confirm all of her data, review all of her decisions. The grain would be of great use to her people. A moment's indignity was nothing.
2. With Colonel Sumner she was not so forgiving. He came to her land to ask of her favor, and looked through her as if she were not there. He held his weapon close to his breast and his face was so brittle she thought it might crack. And then, from behind him came a man like a boy. Messy hair and sly smiles. His eyes spoke of a spirit too polite to beg, but not too proud to ask, not too deaf or dumb to listen.
She led him away to a place of her ancestors. A sacred place. He looked at her as though she were sacred. He was someone, she realized, who also knew what it was to have brittle men look through him as if he were nothing, as if they could make him nothing. She would let him say his piece. This Sumner could wait his turn
3. Sumner died. Her planet was raided. It was Teyla who was forced to ask favor. But these new people were generous and fair as was rare in her travels. Not so entrenched were they in custom. Travelers from another land. Gypsies with their secret language of numbers, with their strange devices and strange ways. She would be strong for them. A true ally. Someone that they might rely on for aid.
And then one day a man named Everett came through the gate and looked through her and held his weapons to his chest, clenching his jaw beneath his jowls.
Again, Major Sheppard?
Again?
4. This galaxy was a school of sorts. John's people from Earth were soon taught of its harsh ways. Pegasus, they called it. Naming it as if it were theirs. They learned soon enough. They would take these lessons back with them when the went home—those who had not already learned them, of course. Those like John and Elizabeth. They walked through the gate and left Teyla to oversee the city in their absense. She found friendship with the doctor, Zelenka. She filled out paperwork in their language, kept up with the various divisions of labor that helped the city run.
The leaders would return in due time, and their city would welcome them, and they would not notice a job well done. But that they let her authority stand for a month or two. That was enough for her.
5. Months later, another trading mission arose. Another planet of quiet farmers. They grew a grain Dr. McKay told her was like corn. John left her to oversee the trade negotiations for his city. Dr. Mckay aided her with the measurement conversion. She drew up a proposal with a professionalism equal to that of Dr. Weir.
The leader of this village looked through her. He turned to John, to John's weapon held close to his breast, to John's brittle jaw, to ask for John's consideration. John's eyes went cold, and he turned to her. "You know? Screw it. It's just corn."
They made their way back to the gate.
For
poisontaster.Five Times Elizabeth Weir Was a Magnificent Bitch
1. When Elizabeth was seventeen she found her boyfriend Mark making out with Hillary from the track team. "Oh," she thought to herself. She should have known. He didn't know she saw. Not until the next day, when she walked up to his lunch table, ever so politely cleared her throat and said, "Mark. I'm dumping you." His friends were shocked into silence, trying to stifle nervous laughter. His mouth worked to come up with a response. She walked away before he thought of one.
2. She ended up the head of her women's living group—a small converted Victorian household with sixteen rooms and almost thirty residents. It was hard work keeping the place livable and affordable. She organized fundraisers and applied for funding through the university. She fought with the administration over bylaws that stated, as her house was not a school sanctioned sorority she did not qualify for certain amenities. She wasn't above a little bit of blackmail, if it were for a good cause. No one quite figured out how she got the game room furnished with new couches free of charge.
3. Years later, she'd become something of a diplomatic relations expert, smoothing over deals for the president on so many occasions accusations of favoritism began to fly. She was good, though. Damn good. Of course, certain country leaders would always see her as nothing more than a pretty face. Tiny men with large egos, quick to think the could intimidate this bird boned girl perched so primly in her chair, hands clasped. She fought with sure logic as her debate team teacher had taught her back in high school. When that didn't work, she pulled them aside and reminded them, in so many words, that her country's nukes were bigger, longer, and better than theirs ever would be. Sometimes, simplicity worked best.
4. Atlantis was something of a dream. A place where she could be a respected leader, not have her rule questioned at every turn, not have to fight for every little piece of consideration she received. Her own private utopia. Then war came, and men in uniforms waltzed into her house and told here to go back to her smelling salts. She took steps to ensure that such an incident would not be repeated. It was easy, she thought, for Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard to assume his promotion was a poorly deserved favor. He saw Elizabeth, the idealist, promoting John, the fuck-up. He did not think of what would have happened to the expedition if had Elizabeth been forced to work with men like Everett, fight with men like Everett indefinitely. He would never suspect the grim relief she felt when Everett died and John lived.
5. She's been yelling at Rodney for half an hour when she finally sends him away. To his quarters, she thinks. To his room, to think about what he's done. Five sixths of a solar system. How could he have lost that much perspective? But then, she supposes, she's done worse than he. Perhaps her intentions were better, but she's made decisions that resulted in more deaths. She can't remember the last time she received a chewing out like the one she gave Rodney. She must have been a little girl at the time. She's her own boss now. She wonders if she's lost perspective, if perhaps she's been to harsh. She taps her fingers to her lips and ponders.
...nah. Rodney had it coming.
Five Times John Sheppard Was Crazy (and everyone just thought it was cute)
1. In fifth grade, John got really into Jefferson Airplane for all of six weeks. He listened to it obsessively, until finally his dad yelled at him to either turn that damn music the hell off or go to bed dinner. John very calmly and quietly stopped the record player, then went back to his room to play with his model airplanes. The next morning John's dad found the charred remains of one of his wife's bras in a soup pot on the stove.
2. A few days after the chair incident in Antarctica, Dr. McKay blew into John's quarters demanding that he come to the labs to help them with some Ancient devices. When John gave no sign of responding, he invited himself in, looking first at the sparsely furnished walls, then the hospital corners on the bed, then the copy of war and piece, the Johnny Cash poster, the skateboard lying half under the bed. "You're just a complete sociopath, aren't you," he blurted, doing his typical McKay best to get on John's good side.
"Killed a man in Reno just to watch him die," John replied, then reached into his top dresser drawer, pulled out a wicked looking switchblade, and started cleaning his nails with it in the hopes that it would scare the guy out of his room once and for all. McKay, inexplicably took two steps further in saying, "Hey, was that a power bar I saw in there?" and began quizzing John about the flavor and sell by date, conveniently forgetting to ask whether or not he could have it in the first pace.
John opened his mouth to say something, closed it again, put the knife back in his dresser and tossed the powerbar across the room, watching with some amusement as McKay just barely managed to catch it. McKay smiled back at him like they were sharing some kind of joke, wolfed down the bar and (still chewing) started to talk up a storm, waving his hands about. John started to wonder if he should offer the guy a chair, then remembered belatedly that he'd been trying to get rid of him. McKay didn't ask for one, anyway.
"So, do you always greet people with knives?" Mckay asked, sans segue, midway through a diatribe regarding some guy with a ponytail who was apparently very bad at math.
"Only the ones I really like," John said.
McKay got this bizarre look on his face, like he wanted to pat John condescendingly on the head, but was afraid he'd get his throat slit if he tried.
"Right," McKay said. Well, I really ought to return to my lab." He paused at the entryway, holding the door ajar with one hand. "Coming?"
John dragged a hand down his face. "Yeah. In a minute."
3. The first mission after Duranda, John and his team found themselves on yet another uninhabited planet with a long abandoned ancient outpost and no ZPM to be found. They'd just finished setting up their tents. John was sitting as far away from Rodney as possible while still being in front of the campfire. Ronon started roasting some kind of bird thing he'd managed to kill earlier. John, who typically brought some kind of snack with him on missions, pulled a chocolate pudding cup out of his pack. He then materialized a lemon out of thin air, cut out a slice, and squeezed it into the desert, stirring in each drop of tangy juice with a cafeteria spork and smiling at Rodney the entire time.
4. On M3X-554, John and Rodney both found themselves thrown into a holding cell with a buxom brunette guarding the door. John got the bright idea to try and flirt his way out, unbuttoning his shirt and sauntering up to the cell bars, hands sliding suggestively down his thighs. The guard stunned John before he got within arm's reach.
An hour later, John woke to Rodney peering down at him worriedly, one hand patting gently at his cheek. "Plan A didn't work out so well, I guess," John murmured up at him.
"Cute, Sheppard. Real cute."
5. The sixteenth time John volunteered to off himself in order to save the city, Rodney reached across the conference room table, grabbed John's hand and turned it palm-up. Ignoring Elizabeth's raised eyebrows, he then pulled up the edge of John's wristband and spent a good five seconds inspecting the skin underneath. "Just making sure you weren't cutting to dull the pain," he said, dropping John's arm back to the table with a thump. "Now how about you concentrate on thinking non-suicidal thoughts while I come up with a plan, hm?"
John didn't speak to him for a while, afterwards.
Five Times Rodney Stole Something for John
1. John nearly died of a gunshot would to the stomach on the 1920's throwback planet. He was in critical condition for three days in the infirmary. Rodney didn't visit much, busying himself with important lab work. Sitting in his quarters and panicking quietly when no one was around to see. He nearly passed out with relief when Beckett told him everything was going to be fine.
Four days later, John was once again ready for solid foods. Rodney liberated four jello and pudding packets from the mess of varying flavors. He dumped them by John's bedside when John was sleeping.
They didn't talk about it.
2. Rodney was jailed on the Spanish Inquisition planet for speaking out of turn. Surprise. The public at large was for the most part uneducated and deeply religious. A small pocket of rich landholders, however, had access to Ancient technology and few weapons of their own making that were surprisingly cutting edge. They foolishly neglected to submit Rodney to a strip search.
It was four days before John broke him out. Plenty of time for Rodney to get well and truly terrified. Plenty of time for him to hack into their systems via his now modified, Ancient tech compatible PDA. He figured out how to disable the shield on his cell first, of course. Fat lot of good it did with the three armed guards standing just outside his door.
As an afterthought, he went ahead and downloaded a very nice array of weapons schematics. John was going to deserve a pretty big thankyou, he figured, when all this was over.
3. He shared some of the coffee he stole from Zelenka with John. That counts, right?
4. On M3X-872 a voluptuous red haired priestess slipped a pair of panties into John's pack . A gesture of goodwill (quote, unquote). Rodney slipped them back out when John wasn't looking and threw them in the river on the way back to the gate. Truly, it was for the Colonel's own good.
5. They were trapped in an enclosed space with some sort of high tech explosive encoded in wraith that Rodney, of course, had to disarm. John was yelling at him to work faster, think harder, yelling nearly hard enough to spit. The usual then, Rodney thought. He had an idea. It might work if he could just, if Sheppard could just sit still for five seconds with his mouth shut. But of course John had to do something to make Rodney stress out just a little bit more, till he either popped a blood vessel or saved them both in a flood of inexpicable genius, or possibly both.
"One moment, Colonel."
John leaned in, voice gone soft and dangerous, breath too warm on the back of his neck. "We don't have a moment, Rodney, so if you could just—"
God, shut up, shut up, shut up.
It was easy, then, to lean over and steal a kiss. He pressed in hard and open mouthed with a fast, wet slip of tongue. John's mouth was oddly soft under his mouth. Nice. Very, very nice. John went dumb, like flipping a switch. Yes, perfect, just like he'd planned it. Twenty seconds of solid silence—all he needed to think, think, think of a solution. His hands flew fast and frantic over buttons. The device made a stuttering noise and then went silent.
Rodney let out one breath. Two.
"Hey, we're not dead."
John licked his lips and said nothing.
Five Times Teyla Was Brilliant and Got Ignored
1. One of the first trade trade arrangements Teyla made for her people was with the Genii. She negotiated an agreement beneficial to every party involved. She adapted their system of measure to her own produce. She sat quietly while Kolya turned to her man Halling and asked him to confirm all of her data, review all of her decisions. The grain would be of great use to her people. A moment's indignity was nothing.
2. With Colonel Sumner she was not so forgiving. He came to her land to ask of her favor, and looked through her as if she were not there. He held his weapon close to his breast and his face was so brittle she thought it might crack. And then, from behind him came a man like a boy. Messy hair and sly smiles. His eyes spoke of a spirit too polite to beg, but not too proud to ask, not too deaf or dumb to listen.
She led him away to a place of her ancestors. A sacred place. He looked at her as though she were sacred. He was someone, she realized, who also knew what it was to have brittle men look through him as if he were nothing, as if they could make him nothing. She would let him say his piece. This Sumner could wait his turn
3. Sumner died. Her planet was raided. It was Teyla who was forced to ask favor. But these new people were generous and fair as was rare in her travels. Not so entrenched were they in custom. Travelers from another land. Gypsies with their secret language of numbers, with their strange devices and strange ways. She would be strong for them. A true ally. Someone that they might rely on for aid.
And then one day a man named Everett came through the gate and looked through her and held his weapons to his chest, clenching his jaw beneath his jowls.
Again, Major Sheppard?
Again?
4. This galaxy was a school of sorts. John's people from Earth were soon taught of its harsh ways. Pegasus, they called it. Naming it as if it were theirs. They learned soon enough. They would take these lessons back with them when the went home—those who had not already learned them, of course. Those like John and Elizabeth. They walked through the gate and left Teyla to oversee the city in their absense. She found friendship with the doctor, Zelenka. She filled out paperwork in their language, kept up with the various divisions of labor that helped the city run.
The leaders would return in due time, and their city would welcome them, and they would not notice a job well done. But that they let her authority stand for a month or two. That was enough for her.
5. Months later, another trading mission arose. Another planet of quiet farmers. They grew a grain Dr. McKay told her was like corn. John left her to oversee the trade negotiations for his city. Dr. Mckay aided her with the measurement conversion. She drew up a proposal with a professionalism equal to that of Dr. Weir.
The leader of this village looked through her. He turned to John, to John's weapon held close to his breast, to John's brittle jaw, to ask for John's consideration. John's eyes went cold, and he turned to her. "You know? Screw it. It's just corn."
They made their way back to the gate.
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The difference between Teyla and Rodney is very simple, I think. Teyla is a grown-up. Rodney, not so much. But I do so love him, the little fourteen year old that he is.
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...and is the whole wristband thing common assumption, or are we just crazy?
And, dude, I /loved/ the narrative of the Teyla one. BRILLIANT. And having Teyla do the biggest thing that's brilliant-and-ignored-- administration, LEADERSHIP. Heart, heart, heart.
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JOHN THE TINY HIPPIE, BWEEE!!!!
Is he not ADORABLE. Don't you want to SQUISH HIM.
Teyla should make her own leadership speech. It would so kick Rodney's leader ship speech's ass.
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Awesome.
I especially love this
and ALL of the Teyla ones. Wow. Fantastic. (And I have to tell you again how much I wish you wrote more SGA.)
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No crying! And especially no shame. My life is so much better for not having any. I like to think I write how I write because I'm a giant h0r, approaching the world with open legs.
I always feel weird about writing Teyla. I'm never sure I'm getting her voice right. Glad you liked!
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::dies::
Okay then!! (Seriously good.)
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And Teyla, god, Teyla. We love her. We don't need the stupid writers to show us how awesome she is. Loved number 5 for that.
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Yes! Rodney and his complete lack of self preservation is the only reason he and John have gotten so close, I believe.
I wrote the Teyla that I see on the show, so I'm...not really sure how you're interpreting this vignette, but thanks! I'm glad you liked!
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I love our show. Our show is awesome. I don't know how other people can watch that other show that hurts them.
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Ahahaha! That and the cutting line = hilarious.
The rest was just spectacular.
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John is. I mean, how else do you explain The Eye.
I think
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed.
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I wrote meta about this once? Somewhere? And then totally forgot to put it in my memories. My love for Elizabeth is a little scary at times.
And, also, Rodney stealing things for John! My favourite thing ever!
It was inspired by you! I was crashing over at
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