Rant

So the other morning I was reading permetaform's post on identity and what it is to be female. It got me thinking a lot.

Now me, I don't really define myself as anything. Probably the first thing other people define me as is a woman. Maybe a short woman. They don't really define me by my race because most people who look at me can't tell what my race is. My dad is half black, half Chinese. My mom is also part Chinese and part black. And this is not African American black -- this is Carribean black. French creole, Spanish creole, etc. My great grandmother worked on some guys plantation all her life and bore seventeen of his children without ever marrying him. Virtually every immigrant group that passed through the Carribean islands, as well as a number of natives, can all be found somewhere in my bloodline. Hispanic people tend to assume I'm hispanic, as do white people sometimes, or mulatto.

I have medium sized breasts. My period usually lasts about five days. My mother has very small breasts. I had a friend in middle school who was a double d by the time she left eighth grade and had to go on birth control after having a period go on for a month straight.

I remember a women's studies course I took over the summer, and talking about how over the years white America has depicted black people as overdeveloped physically and underdeveloped mentally, and depicted Asians as underdeveloped physically and overdeveloped mentally. I do not think having larger breasts than anyone makes me look "more womanly" than them any more than I think being shorter than anyone makes me look more childlike. I don't think young Asian women look like adolescents though I hear people say that a lot, especially at UCB with all the Asian students. I think it's inaccurate to judge one culture by another culture's standards. Hell, sometimes it's inaccurate to judge people by their own cultural standards.

Someone in permetaform's post commented on how much she hated being a woman, and I can't say how much this comment bothered me. I don't really celebrate my womanhood all that much. But I like being a woman. If I were a man, I'd like being a man. I like being me. I have pretty mild cramps, and half the time I'll mistake them for a stomachache because I don't really keep track of my periods. My biggest issue with my period is having to shell out money for tampons because I'm cheap and I hate paying for shit.

When I was little I wanted to be taller. Eventually I realized that wanting to be taller so I could be just like everyone else made about as much sense as wanting to be dumber so I wasn't the only minority kid in the "smart class." I was never going to measure up to other people's standards, and honestly, why would I want to? I like being smart. I like being short -- I can weave through mall crowds better than most people.

I actually realized, in thinking about this, just how my race and upbringing is really fundamental to my personality. I very rarely care what other people think of me unless I either already agree with the person or the person is very close to me or I have a great deal of respect for the person. I think because my parents are from the Carribean, from a wholly different culture, and ever since I was three years old going to pre-school I was confronted by one set of values when I was home and another when I was away from home. I couldn't make sense of the world without taking everyone's opinions with a grain of salt. I learned to ponder the motivations behind people's opinions for something as fundamental as speech, when I still spoke with my parents' accent and was accused of mispronouncing things.

I remember the first time I encountered bigotry in second grade. A boy told me he liked boys better than girls (because girls had cooties, of course). I told him he was a homosexual (I'd just learned the word and wanted to show off my new vocabulary). He was utterly shocked and insulted and asked me, "How could you say that? My mommy said homosexuals are EVIL." To which I replied, in typical second grader fashion, "Well my mommy said homosexuals are people who like their own sex better than the opposite sex."

You know, I wonder what happened to him. Hope he didn't turn out like his mommy.

As for sexuality, in highschool I was something of a sexual nonentity. I was one of those girls that guys talk about masturbation in front of, or about getting high over the weekend, or really anything that would make them look like retards that they wouldn't say in front of a girl whose panties they wanted to get into. I never really felt like I was unattractive. I felt more like I was unapproachable for however many reasons I was more different from the rest of my classmates than the rest of my classmates were from each other. The quiet kind of unapproachable that makes it easy for people to talk around you but hard to talk to you. My friends in high school really weren't the kind to hook up with each other.

This essay is sadly lacking in thesis statement or concluding paragraph.



I ended up staying up last night talking about this with my roommate until 3:30 in the morning. I don't think I actually went to sleep till 4:30. This is the first time all semester I've stayed up later than her. I still had to wake up in time to catch the 7:50 bus, of course. Only the bus ended up stalling and I had to take the next one and arrive in class 20 minutes late. Luckily, the midterm was pretty easy and I still managed to finish within the allotted time.

Some people in my co-op have gotten strep throat. I woke up feeling sick this morning (probably a cold aggravated by lack of sleep), but I don't think I have strep. I'll double check anyway, because if I do, I'll want to get the antibiotics before leaving for Escapade in HOLY CRAP 3 DAYS.

::needs camera like whoa::



Any vidders on my flist bring DVD's of their vids to con's before (not VividCon)? How many would you suggest I bring? I'm doing all the burning tomorrow afternoon.