lierdumoa | wip amnesty weekend

Fandom:Queer as Folk
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Summary: Crack!fic. Humorous. Justin and Brian get drunk and get married. Luckily, Brian doesn't remember a thing. Unluckily, Justin fails to hide the evidence.
A/N: Characterization's a tad off given events in season 4. I could have worked around that, but I'd already lost the will to finish it.
Circumstances of Death: Dunno, really. Just kinda faded into the ether.

rip to CA -- brian has business; justin has movie deal for Rage

the boys get very, very drunk

justin thinks -- hey! CA! we can get married (it'll be, like, soooo funny)

he suggests the idea to brian, who looks at him like he's fucking lost his mind

but now he really likes this idea, so he orders Brian more vodka

suggests it again, Brian's like "marriage is bullshit that straight people..." loses train of thought" ... "suck me off"

Justin takes a second to think how cool it is that his boyfriend is never too drunk to fuck

he then gives brian another half tab of ecstacy for good measure, calls a cab, and directs the driver to that all night wedding chapel he saw two streets over

justin, being the smart boy that he is, tells brian to wait outside for him while he goes to the bathroom; he finds the minister, takes a look at the wedding chapel, decides it looks too much like a wedding chapel, drags the minister outside with the paperwork to where Brian is still standing

"Hey, Brian, promise you won't stop fucking my brains out as long as I'm with you."

Brian looks at him quizically. "Sure, whatever. Are you gonna blow me again or what? I thought we were going back to the hotel so you could blow me."

"In a second, okay! And I promise that I will stay with you. So you don't ever have to worry about me not being around when you want to fuck my brains out."

"That's nice, Sunshine. I...who's he? You gonna fuck him? I thought you had higher standards."

"He's the guy with the paperwork."

"What paperwork?"

"The paperwork you need to sign."

"Huh?"

"The paperwork you need to sign. See -- I got a pen and everything."

Brian takes the pen. "Wait, I have to read this first."

"No! No you don't! It's just...insurance. To insure you against me leaving you."

"Justin, I, what? I'm too high for this. Let's go back to the hotel."

"You're just high enough. Now sign it. You can trust me."

Brian looks skeptical.

"Sign it and I'll give you the best blowjob of your life."

He signs it, and Justin immediately starts kissing him (cause you know, that's what you do after you say your wedding vows). Sloppy, drunken kissing and soon brian has him up against the wall of the chapel and the minister just lays down the marriage certificates and quietly backs away. Two failed attempts at undoing justin's pants and the two end up just dry humping until they both come. Justin calls another cab. (he's only slightly drunk, see, so he can still pretty much function), and they drive off to their hotel. Brian keeps passing out. Justin hides the certificates in one of his sketch pads, and since it's now seven o'clock in the morning, he drags Brian to bed, wakes him up with a hard slap, blows him (like he promised) (after he wipes off the congealed spooge from their earlier dry hump) and passes out.

Next morning! Justin wakes up. "What the fuck was I on! I got married?!? Brian is going to kill me! Michael is going to kill me! I'm going to kill me!"

Brian wakes up. Can't really remember anything. something about this ugly assed building and this plain looking guy that he really didn't want to fuck, but apparently the guy hadn't wanted to fuck, but he was supposed to sign something? What? He asks Justin if he signed something. Justin grins nervously and says, "that's a really weird dream."

"It wasn't a dream, it was...maybe it was a dream."

He wrinkles his forehead. Justin pats him on the thigh before getting up to pour him some guava juice. And quietly panic.

Decides he's going to burn the marriage certificates and forget the whole thing, only he can't do it when Brian's around. Wait -- doesn't Brian have a meeting soon? He'l do it when Brian's at the meeting! Yes!

Brian's in the kitchen. Brian turns around. "Justin, I think you're late for your thing with that director."

Oh, crap.

Justin dresses at the speed of light and flies out of hotel. Brian goes to dress for his meeting, sees Justin's sketchpad lying askew. *Maybe he drew more naked pictures of me* Picks it up and the certificate falls out. Brian reads it, very calmly puts it back, then very calmly picks up the phone to call his lover.

three rings, and Justin picks up. "Brian?"

"Justin! You want to explain what happened last night?"

Justin hangs up and turns his phone off. And *really* panics.

Brian tries to think of a suitable revenge.

It takes a while for Brian to come up with a suitable revenge. He gets back from his meeting early. Justin gets back about a half hour later. Brian greets him with a smile (a scary smile). "So lovely of you to join me Mr. Taylor-Kinney."

Justin is *this* close to pissing himself with fear.

Lets go clubbing, Brian continues.

They get to a club. Brian rounds up a trick. Justin thinks -- back to business as usual. Brian rounds up three more tricks. Justin thinks -- oooookay, apparently Brian is trying to prove something. Brian points at Justin and manages to round up two more tricks. Apparently, he's using Justin as incentive, here?

Justin starts to leave. Brian pins him down with a glare. He then brings his entourage over to Justin. We're getting two cabs and heading back to the hotel, he says.

"You're having an orgy?"

"No, Sunshine. *We're* having an orgy. You have to be there. Cause it's our wedding night. And they have to be there, cause I never got a bachelor party. This way we kill two birds with one stone!"

Justin thinks that Brian put a little too much emphasis on the word kill.

"Brian, you...I...how about we just get it anulled?"

"No point. It won't be valid in Pennsylvania anyway."

"Brian, I was drunk. And stupid. And I thought it would be funny. Which it really, really isn't. Actually, Daphne would probably think it was. Where was I?"

"You were drunk and stupid."

"Right. And I'm sorry, okay?"

"Not yet, you're not."

"No, I really, really am."
.
Brian just smiles again. The scary one. And pulls Justin plus tricks # 1 and 2 into the cab with him.

The next morning. Justin's first thought is -- hey! He didn't kill me! Then -- you know, this is kind a funny after all.

Brian wakes up. Justin smiles down at him. Brian scowls. Apparently his revenge wasn't as unpleasant as he'd hoped. Fine. Whatever. He can't win. "We're pretending that this never happened."

"Of course."

"It. Never. Happened."

"The orgy or the wedding? Cause you looked like you enjoyed the orgy."

"Go pour me some guava juice."

A week later Justin finds a platinum tongue ring in a box next to his pillow. The card says, "All the better to blow me with."

Three days after that he shows the gang his new piercing. He gives no explanation, and everyone just rolls their eyes. Except Michael, who just snickers softly.

Two weeks later Michael drops by with a brand new cuisinart.

THE END