lierdumoa | Aaaaah, homework.

English Comp. assignment. Write about something you imagine happening to you in your future.

Today, on Martha Stewart

There's a trick to making the perfect breakfast sandwich. First you have to have all the right things in the fridge. Eggs are key. Brown eggs are infinitely better than white. They have a far more robust flavor.

"Let's buy an Irish castle."

"Buy an Irish castle? Honey, you told me you stopped smoking crack."

Bacon is the secondary ingredient. I myself prefer honey smoked. I don't have a particular brand I favor. Then you need the frills of the sandwich -- tomatoes, greens, etc. Roma tomatoes are my tomatoes of choice. It's more of a nostalgia thing than an flavor thing -- my mom used to grow them in the garden when I was a kid.

"I saw one for three million dollars."

"We don't have three million."

"We don't have to pay it all at once."

Greens are very important, for health and for texture. I like alfalfa sprouts or spinach leaves. Lettuce will do in a pinch, but make sure you get romaine and not iceberg. Run the leaves under water while carefully wiping them with your fingers. You don't want to bruise the leaves, but you don't want to get garden grit in your sandwich either.

"I can't move. My job is here. What's the point of buying a castle if we can’t live there?"

"It's an Irish castle!"

"There will be huge maintenance costs."

"Oh fine, what do you want to buy? A pony?"

Cheese is next. You can't go wrong as long as you pick a cheese you enjoy. I prefer blue cheese. If you're not sure about your cheese preferences, your safe bet is probably cheddar. Make sure you get a good sharp cheddar. Lesser cheddars tend to taste like plastic.

"Actually, I want to buy a new computer system."

"You're such a nerd."

"You knew this when you married me."

"I forgot when I married you. I just remembered now."

"See this face? This is my unamused face."

Put the bacon in a non-stick frying pan. Let it fry in its own juices. Keep turning it over till it's nice and crisp on both sides.

"Oh, I know! Let's install a new shower."

"Why do you want to install a new shower?"

"We don't have enough sex wet and standing up."

Here is usually the point where I run to get a paper towel because I always forget to get one before I start frying. Put the finished bacon on the paper towel, but leave the bacon juice behind in the pan. You'll need it to fry your eggs.

"You think we'd have more sex if we got a new shower?"

"Well, yeah."

"You could just try asking more often."

Remember to put your bread in the toaster before you start frying your eggs. If you don't, you'll have to wait for your toast to finish and your eggs will get cold. I'm partial to buttermilk bread, but any bread will do.

"I need an excuse to ask. A brand new shower is the perfect excuse because it will need to be christened, like how we christened all the furniture when we moved in."

"Christened? That's blasphemous, you know."

"You're an atheist."

Fry your eggs however you prefer. I usually try for over medium and just end up with some mangled cross between over medium and scrambled. It doesn't matter as long as it tastes good...right?

"Fine. We'll get a new shower."

"Yesssss. Hey, you done with breakfast yet?"

"Coming up, babe."

Just in case, remember to always bring out enough ingredients for two. You never know what might end up being stolen off your plate.

"You were doing the mental cooking show thing again, weren't you."

"Shut up."

"You can barely scramble eggs."

"I said shut up. Do you want shower sex or not?"

On another note, a man sitting next to me in Borders yesterday was talking to himself. I automatically assumed he was talking on a cell phone, and didn't register that he was talking to himself till I turned to look at him. How the times change, eh?