lierdumoa | I wrote fic! Read if you dare.

Title: Cabin Pressure
Fandom: The Princess Bride
Pairing: Inigo/Fezzik
Rating: NC-17
Summary: PWP. Response to

jedi_penguin's badsex challenge.
A/N: Somebody had to do it.

They shared a cabin. They always shared their living space. They were Inigo and Fezzik, the most faithful of companions, and this was a pirate ship. Not like it had that much living space to go around. So they shared a cabin. It was not as if Inigo was actually The Dread Pirate Roberts. That was just some name Wesley passed on to him. He wasn't ruthless. He could compromise to accommodate his best friend. So, yes. They shared a cabin.

It didn't mean anything.

Or at least, it never used to mean anything. But now Inigo wasn't so sure. There'd been a party about a week before. Inigo had managed to score some plunder from a ship that had attacked him and his crew. Everyone had gotten drunk and Fezzik, who had a surprisingly low tolerance for alcohol, had decided it would be a good idea to drag Inigo into the artillary room and make out with him next to the cannons for the better part of an hour. And, well, Inigo hadn't exactly protested.

Blame it on the rum, right? Forget about it. Never think about it again.

But Inigo couldn't stop thinking about it. He and Fezzik shared living quarters. Fezzik was always there. He was there now, snoring softly on the other side of the room as Inigo tried for the third night in a row to get to sleep without having to jerk off first. He didn't want to be fantasizing about Fezzik. Honestly, he didn't even know what the attraction was. This was Fezzik for God's sake. Big, bumbling Fezzik with his thick, incomprehensible accent and his large, lumpy nose and his graceless, lumbering walk.

And his surprisingly dexterous tongue.

Inigo cursed vociferously under his breath as the hard on he'd just managed to will down returned with full force. He rolled onto his side, then back onto his other side. He counted sheep. What was less sexy than sheep? He turned over and tried smacking his pillow into better shape. Finally he gave up and started sliding his hand down his stomach, beneath his waistband. Anything to get rid of this damn erection from hell.

That's when he heard it. The creak of a floorboard. He slowly opened his eyes and turned his eyes to find Fezzik standing just a few feet away, staring straight at him. How had he failed to notice the snoring had stopped? He flushed bright red as Fezzik's eyes moved from his face to his crotch, a very knowing gleam in his eye.

"Inigo?"

"Yes?" Inigo squeaked.

"Having trouble sleeping?"

"I'm fine."

Fezzik took another step towards Inigo's bed and leaned forward, licking his lips slowly. "You sure?"

"I'm, ah..."

Fezzik placed his hand on Inigo's stomach.

"Aaah..."

Fezzik started kissing him, throwing one leg onto the bed between Inigo's and grinding his thigh against Inigo's crotch, soft grunts escaping his mouth. He managed to climb the rest of the way onto the bed and settle himself between Inigo's thighs all without moving his mouth from Inigo's lips. The kiss continued for long minutes, until it occurred to Fezzik to start removing his clothes.

Inigo watched Fezzik pull his shirt up. He watched Fezzik rock back onto his knees to get the front up over his face. He watched Fezzik...get stuck. Fezzik was stuck, shirt over his face, arms tangled up in his sleeves, thrashing uselessly under the fabric. Inigo stared in shock as his friend let out a loud groan of frustration.

Then he started laughing.

Fezzik took offense, and ripped through his shirt in one angry stroke. Unfortunately, the force of his movement was enough to topple him off the side of the bed. Inigo laughed harder. He kept laughing as Fezzik clambored his way back up onto the bed. He didn't stop until his eyes lit on Fezzik's hurt expression. He immediately felt bad, and pulled Fezzik down for a brief kiss.

"So," Inigo murmured, pulling back from Fezzik's mouth, "how exactly are we going to do this?"

"The usual way, I suppose," Fezzik responded, pushing his sleep trousers down to his knees with some modicum of grace. Inigo looked down towards Fezzik's groin, and his eyes immediately widened.

"You're..." big. Fezzik's cock was very big. Very, very big. It was Fezzik sized.

Inigo pulled his lips into his mouth and bit down on them nervously. "Fezzik, I don't know about this."

"You don't want to --"

"No! I do. It's just...ah...I don't think that thing is going to fit in me."

Fezzik paused momentarily to scrunch his eyebrows together. His expression suddenly shifted as a lightbulb went off in his head. "Just spread your legs and we will see!"

"Fezzik, your gift with rhyme is not exactly helping the current situation."

"Right, right. Hmmm." Fezzik paused for thought, his palm rubbing absently over Inigo's crotch. Eventually he turned back to Inigo.

"What do you think we should do?"

"I don't know. I just want..."

"Should I go find some lubricant?"

"Fezzik, rhyming isn't...actually, that is a good idea."

Fezzik grinned, then got up to search the room for something slippery. He found some oil in one of his drawers. He quickly slicked up his hand and slid it over himself. When he returned to the bed, Inigo had removed his trousers. Fezzik put his hand down between Inigo's legs, fingers still wet with oil, and slid one digit into Inigo's hole. He began working in the second finger when Inigo put down a hand to stop him.

"Give me a moment to adjust."

"You know, you make a lot of fuss."

"So would you in my place, you pig."

"I wouldn't. Your penis is not that big."

"Shut up."

Fezzik twisted his two fingers viciously.

"Oh God in heaven, do that again."

Fezzik smiled, his fingers moving steadily. As soon as he began to work in a third Inigo hissed in pain. Fezzik frowned in concern, but Inigo nodded his head to tell Fezzik to keep going. Another two minutes and Fezzick turned Inigo over onto his stomach so he could begin pushing his considerable thickness into Inigo's hole.

Inigo hissed softly and fought not to flinch away. Holy mother of God, Fezzik was huge, and Christ it hurt having him inside. Inigo moaned, mostly in pain. He threw one arm back to claw at Fezzik's hips and push him off. Fezzick groaned in frustration, but started pulling out slowly. He rubbed hard against Inigo's prostate in his retreat. Inigo suddenly felt his orgasm approach almost involuntarily. He let it overtake him, not really enjoying it, just wanting it to be over.

He felt Fezzik come against the back of his thighs and collapse on top of him. Inigo let out a quiet "Oooph!" at the sudden weight. He swung his arms back to smack Fezzik in the side. "Get off me, you giant oaf."

Fezzick rolled off of him, breathing heavily. "I think you need to work on your bedside manners."

"Fezzik, my ass is killing me. Now that you just collapsed on top of me my back is killing me too. I am in pain."

Fezzik grunted. "You got off. Dont' complain."

Inigo turned his face to glare at Fezzik for a few long moments before finally falling back onto his bed with a sigh. "Next time we just stick to hand jobs, yes?"

Fezzik grinned and traced his fingers gently over Inigo's forhead. "Hand jobs are what I do best."

Inigo grunted softly in response, his eyes already drifting closed.

RPS? What RPS? *runs away*